I don't intend to be melodramatic, and this post has nothing to do with being "granola", but I feel compelled to, in some small way, pay due attention to this life-altering event in my life. Be patient with me; I just need to work through it in this space.
It's been embarrassing for me to bring this up to anyone who isn't intimately involved with my church. No church should close it's doors. What does that communicate about us? What does this mean God thinks of our church? Who's to blame? Did God shut the doors? Have we failed?
To answer any of those questions would be an exercise in futility. The truth is, well, it's complicated. Things would be easier if a clear answer could be given, and as a person who gravitates toward black and white solidly drawn lines I hate having to embrace the blur. But, time and time again I am realizing that the blurry is most often the way life looks.
"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." -1 Corinthians 13:12
We are damaging creatures. We can't help ourselves. I've seen it firsthand: wise, good, faithful, loving, well-meaning people being incredibly damaging. As a mother I can try my hardest to raise my child perfectly, in a way that sets him up for success, but as a human I can't help but pass on habits and genes and words that will stain him and knock him down and make life altogether harder for him. So it is with all of us. We are damaged and constantly damaging. In a way it's beyond our control. The more I learn about the brain and the body and genetics, the more I learn that we can't escape our damage. It runs deep. The result of the fall of man was that we have to live in this damaged state. We are diseased as long as we are here and there's nothing we can do to make it go away.
And that's what happened to my church. Damage. There's no one to pinpoint; we are all responsible. Some people like to think that God made this happen to teach them something. That's fine if it makes you feel better about things, but I don't believe that. I don't believe God would hurt all of us so that one or two could learn a lesson.
Instead, here's what I think: I think God has to come in and clean up. He certainly has been able to teach me a lot through this experience, but that's because I ask Him to; I want Him to help me clean up the mess.
And that's the hope.
During my 25 years of attending this church I have seen some incredible hurt AND I have seen some incredible joy. I was baptized there. I have seen hungry kids being served food in the sanctuary. I've been on life-changing mission trips and worshipped with homeless people in the streets of Atlanta WITH my church family. I have watched amazing men and women lead us to do amazing things to serve the body of Christ and to serve the community. I was mentored and loved on by adults who were willing to speak into my life and to guide and shape me into the woman I am today. I met my husband there. I have watched my son run to his Sunday school classroom since the time he could walk so that his Grammy could teach him about the Bible. In countless ways I have seen the power, love, grace, and mercy of God poured out over people.
So you see, although we are damaged we are not despairing. The hope of Christ is that He can constantly help us repair the damage. He can even lead us to do amazing and truly life-changing things in spite our ourselves. Right now we can only see as though looking in a dim mirror; we can only function with our limitations still in place. One day we will see face to face. One day our righteousness as sons of God will be fully realized. Until then, I think David Crowder says it best:
"After all our hands have wrought He forgives….After all falls apart He repairs, Oh the glory of it all is He came here, for the rescue of us all that we may live."
And that's where I am right now. I am waiting for repair. The last few years have been a mix of insane hurt and insane joy. I've realized that people can let me down and that they can hurt me in ways I never imagined. I have questioned all that I felt was sure and right. And yet, I was married to an incredible man who has been a steady assurance to me. I gave birth to a son who has reminded me of how mysterious and exciting life can be. I have mourned deaths and church splits and lost friends meanwhile celebrating births and marriages with friends. The last few years have made me painfully aware of my damage and have left me hoping desperately for the repair of my loving heavenly Father.
Sunday will be really difficult for me. It's hard to express to anyone exactly what this church has meant to me. This church has truly been my family. This church has been the body of Christ to me in every sense of the word. God has given me a glimpse into what true community can look like. Nothing will replace it. I know the body of Christ is large, and I do look forward to joining with other parts of it, but I am still grieving the loss. I think that's okay.
